I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
