how hairy? two words: wookie tits
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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