i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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