I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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