and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize