yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize