I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
