have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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