If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
