Swine flu. Run for my life!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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