I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
