I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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