Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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