just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
