you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
