fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
