I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
