it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
