I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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