My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
