i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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