Four minutes until I can fart!
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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