I wanna passion pit in your ass
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
