Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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