Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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