The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
