Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
