Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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