At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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