There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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