It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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