i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
