So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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