I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Let the clothes fall where they may.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
