he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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