Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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