Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
