I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I FOUND THE LEGS
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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