he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
