he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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