so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
