I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Floor bacon is actually really good
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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