Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize