My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
