I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
