im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
