What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
