i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
