This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
