My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I cut my penus on the lid.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It's blow job season.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize