i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
