I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize