we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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