i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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