matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
