Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
