Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize