This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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