The maid of honor just puked.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
