Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
