last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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